The Listening Game

We all speak to each other in oh-so-subtle ways, and within all of the back and forth, we influence, teach, manipulate, convince, placate, validate, lift each other up, and tear each other down. The variety of ways we can respond to each other is vast, yet we often fall back on the conditioned responses modeled to us since we were in a womb (not just from our parents but from tv, music, conversations, etc). Therefore, if your life has been long lived on this planet in this century, your responses are likely rooted in hierarchy and trauma. We all run around with the roots of power dynamics and trauma manifesting through our actions and words. What to do?! Play The Listening Game of course! It’s not an instant-gratification sort of game, but it’s worth it. Unless our responses are questioned and looked at deeply and fully, how can we break free from not only the toxic relationship games we are in but also power, trauma, and suffering?

Thanks for reading and please share any thoughts, April 🌸

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The Listening Game

First, a gentle reminder: Please don't feed me the same crap on a new day. I am asking you to do nearly the impossible: wake up from your ignorance. The only time is NOW. Why am I being so firm? 1) Because I know you can do this. 2) You take peace from me every time you come around. This must get done. Through is the only way out. Every time a thought comes in, remember- it cannot be it. This is beyond thought; it's something that must live in your whole being. It's a goo that covers you that must be destroyed. You must find clarity. 

This is what I can offer you. If you don't understand, reread it, ask a friend, but don't bother me. I believe in you. You are not stupid. The little boy in you is stupid. He keeps you from seeing what is as clear as day. This little, ignorant child is not welcome near me. I am no longer here to parent him. You have to do that. If you bring him around, I will kindly and firmly ask him to exit. You may be thinking, "But I'm learning! I make mistakes; why do you expect me to be perfect?" 1) That's the little boy speaking. 2) Once the above (up there) is complete and the ignorance bubble is popped, you will know the answer. No words I give you can explain it. I can only plant seeds. (And really? Is it that I expect you to be perfect, or is it that I expect you to stop hurting me?) To clarify, this child was helpful once. I'll have compassion for him someday, but he must stop hurting me first. If anything, this is pure compassion I'm giving him. I'm pleading, "You aren't needed. You can grow up now!" I'm not enabling him anymore. 

So, I'm done enabling him. The question at hand: Can you stop enabling him? Who are we talking about? Who is this child? This child is about five years old. He retreats when scared. He projects and attacks when he thinks his words will quiet the perceived attacker. As he aged, he discovered he could be quite clever with his words, twisting and manipulating in the smoothest of ways. He started to feel quite confident in his ability to twist words to avoid reality, and he began to believe his use of words was reality! He started to think they were his friends! And everyone around this boy just shrugged, nodded, ignored, or stayed quiet when they saw him. "Eh, seen this before. Nothing new. What was I doing anyway? Oh yeah, shopping, doing dishes, working, being busy." 

Now, the few people who slowed down to notice the boy's effect on them found themselves in a grind. They first thought, "Oh, I'll just tell him he's hurting me, then he'll stop. No problem!" But they forgot they were dealing with a 5-year-old. Things get trickier with a clever 5-year-old. Clever 5-year-olds come up with a whole bunch of excuses. "I didn't mean that. You're assuming..." or, "Uh, yeah, I was hurt by the neighbor boy a lot; sorry, it will take me a long time to stop hurting you. That's how it works; you must be patient with me." Or, "You seem angry; I lose my hearing when I hear loud voices in my direction." Or, "I'm a good boy; don't you see all the good things I do for you?" Or, "Huh, sounds like you're on your soapbox again; maybe you should look at yourself instead of me." Or, "Huh, you do judge sometimes, yup, that's it. You're judging me again!" Or, "I just don't understand." Or, "I'm just soooo confused!".

So, this became fascinating. Those who slowed down and interacted with this child could see... something. Sometimes, it was as clear as day; other times, his clever little ways seemed real, even to them! Even as they were being hurt by him and felt something was off, they thought, "Well, maybe it is me. Maybe I'm just crazy. I do judge sometimes. And he is nice and kind. Yeah, it's my fault. I need to change and look at my behaviors." Those who interacted with him usually felt quieted, confused, and “in their heads” a lot. They'd spend hours, sometimes days! trying to piece together when an interaction didn't feel right. "Why do I feel this way? This feels wrong, off, but he's telling me, and everyone else is telling me, that this is how things are. It must be so."

So now, I played this game with this boy and other boys for a long time. It seemed like everyone else was playing, and it didn't seem like there were many other options. When I tried to ask to play a new game, the boys, and sometimes girls too, told me it was the only game. Just be content. Just play. 

Until one day, while I was playing the game, I had an urge in my body that felt like I was going to throw up. Spit up, convulse, and maybe die. I ran to the bathroom and threw up all the chunks of the game pieces. All of the years of playing the game came rushing out of me. As I stared at all the colors of the game chunks in the toilet, I started laughing, "Omg! They're beautiful! All of the pieces finally made sense, finally, they look right." I was playing his game with pieces that were making me sick. Death pieces. Now I can see a new game with transformed pieces. I ran up and grabbed the boy to show him. He never wanted to play a different game, but today, he will. 

Because today, as he looks at the lovely chunk in the toilet with me, he cannot deny the glorious beauty of my game. It's fair. It's fun. It leaves everyone who plays feeling better because they gave it a try. The game can be hard, confusing, and frustrating, and sometimes it can last a long time, but no one is left feeling confused, alone, or crazy in this game. 

Now, "What's the name of this new game?" It's called The Listening Game. It's the most straightforward and brutal game anyone has ever played, which makes it oh-so-very special!!! How do you play?! You feel with your bodymind into the other player until you completely understand exactly what they are sharing. What's tricky is that you're not listening to just their words (only 20%, maybe); you are listening to their being completely. Wholey. And in this game, one person can never win. It only ends when all participants are understood. All participants always win this game. Otherwise, you start over. Want to play?!