Your Ego is Tricking You
Wait, my ego is tricking me right now?!
Yes. It’s very likely.
Our enculturated egos work hard to cloud our understanding of reality. If we want to say there’s a devil, it must be our enculturated egos. I see the enculturated ego as no different than the goddess of illusion- Maya. Her job is to keep us afloat in the dreamstate. She wants us to think this reality is all there is, when in fact, it’s far from reality. It’s like she’s playing a game with us that we don’t really like or understand, but we keep playing.
The fact that my ego is the trickster of all tricksters hit me like a bus a few months ago. Then, it hit me again, more like a hurricane this time, when I started reading Jed McKenna’s Spiritual Enlightenment: The Damnedest Thing. The Enlightenment Trilogy (wisefoolpress.com). He was describing exactly what I had experienced when the bus hit me: The reality I believed to be true is dysfunctional and false and it’s allllllllll ego’s fault.
Our egos get in the way of us clearly experiencing the world around us, and our egos are more deceptive than most of us could ever imagine.
How do I know our egos are “more deceptive than most of us could ever imagine”? Because I experienced it. Before I experienced the bus-like shock, I didn’t feel right about stating things as truths very often and got mad at people who did. I really struggled with this. I was conditioned to please (most women are), consider others’ opinions and weigh all opinions, even when they seemed unlikely.
When I claim I know something is true, it’s a big leap and quite new for me. So now I believe “question everything!”, except things I know. And now I know I know...something. Well, more like I know I don’t know mostly anything. It’s no longer hypothetical or a belief, I truly know it. I know our egos are more deceptive than most of us think. I witness it everywhere now. Everywhere. It’s impossible not to see it now.
What are some of these tricks and again, how do you know?!
I’d love to tell you I just woke up one day and ego’s grasp on me magically became apparent, but one moment can never be it. Buuuut, I do know that three years ago a significant shift happened in my life. My surroundings were more prone to “wake up culture” (made that up and it’s perfect!), and although I didn’t know it, I was being led to wonder about what is true and not true. Is that thought true? Is that belief true? If the answer was “no”, then I dropped it. For three years, I questioned myself (that damn ego!), I questioned those that seemed to know something about truth, I questioned the world around me and wondered a lot, then BAM!- some sense was found. All my beliefs are wrong. All a joke. All the things I worry about and think about are silly. Super silly! AND, importantly, whatever path I’m on I’m not at its end, but there is an end and if I want to find out, I have to wonder further.
The “BAM!” moment was my mind checking off my ego’s tricks in a conclusive sort of way… My desire to “be a good person”? Trick. My fear of death? Trick. The idea OF death? Trick. Spiritual culture? Bullshit! Anxiety? Fear = Trick. Most of my thoughts are useful and needed? Lie. Trick. I AM my thoughts? Trick. I know something about what it means to be alive? Nope. Trick. I’m pretty far on this so-called enlightenment journey (side note: I never aimed to be on one, but I guess this is what you call this.)? Not even close. Trick. The things I do that I label as “meaningful” are meaningful? Trick. The things other people label as “meaningful” are meaningful? Trick. The problems humans face are separate? Nope. I know how to help the world’s problems and I am helping!? Trick. Ego.
It was insane. It was like a hurricane filled with droplets of my ego’s lies. Ego isn’t only evident when we think things like, “Oh, my hair is ugly. I wish my hair looked like that,” it’s also evident when I think, “I deserve more than that ant,” or “I should advocate for peace” or “I’m scared of death.” Who says you’re more important than that ant? Who says you should care about world peace? Why would you be scared of death if not for your ego? Yes, your ego dies (and it really doesn’t want to!), but do you? What is you? Could death be nothing more than a transition (and I’m not talking about karma you spiritual seeker you)? Well, ego will tell you otherwise, that’s for sure.
As the lies slammed down on me and buried me in overwhelming sadness and grief, I started noticing a small opening of sunshine, of truth. As the hurricane subsided, a clarity remained: My ego has been tricking me this whole time.
Wait, are you saying I’m sleepwalking and don’t really know reality?
Yes. Probably. What really stinks is that now I realize I know something; I also realize I know practically nothing. I know I’m sleepwalking but don’t really know much else. Most of us have glimpses of knowing we’re sleepwalking. We may experience flow, have a close to death experience, a mystical or unity experience or we may down some mushrooms and feel alive for the first time. These are just glimpses; they don’t mean much except that there is something else.
These glimpses show us there is another way to live. How often do they lead to real change in our lives? Not often. Ego and Maya win again! Usually, those two take over by saying, “Oh, wow! You’re special. You had this really cool experience and now you can tell people how much you know. Oh, and also, don’t forget about the grocery store and pick the kids up from soccer! Get to it.” So, we head back into our comfort zone and our busy lives with ego and ignore that there might be more to explore. After the bus hit me, I realized clearly that all those nifty mystical experiences were being held as important only because of my ego. They were just more tricks.
I know I’m sleepwalking because I know there is waking up. There is further to go and there is an end. Ego tricks us easily here, it says one of two things: 1) “Yup, life is a journey man, there is no end”. False. This is ego trying to get us to ignore truth and stay in our comfort zones. 2) “I’m there! I’m awake!”. False. Unless you are. And the bus-like experience taught me Very few are awake. Very, very few. Like, maybe 500 people. Jed McKenna says maybe 20 or so. I choose a higher estimate, either way, now that I know ego and Maya’s power, I know it is very hard to attain and much easier to be tricked into thinking we attained it.
I don’t know if I will ever wake up, but I know I’m asleep. Kind of an annoying place to be really.
Can I wake up?
Sure. But as far as I can see most of us don’t want to. That’s what I understand now. Ego and Maya are masters of distraction. Often it seems, we like to find things out when we’re suffering or have a big disturbance and can’t ignore the dysfunction anymore, either in ourselves, in our relationships or in our culture. What I’m wondering is- can you notice this dysfunction if you just slow down a little bit? Are you as happy as you think? Do you have to ruminate on the future? Do you have to worry about money? Do you have to call that friend or do that obligation? It seems we’ve adapted and normalized a bunch of crap our culture tells us we are supposed to do or act like. Why? Who’s telling us to do it? Who’s driving this train?
Once you know you’re sleepwalking you also know it doesn’t matter you know you’re sleepwalking. You’re still asleep! To wake up one has to continue doing the confusing work of observing thoughts, wondering without demanding answers and letting go of anything that isn’t true.
And there must be quiet.
Waking up is always a possibility for anyone….
but do you want to do the work?
But I still don’t believe you.
That’s totally fine! Believing what other people say is bonkers! Find out for yourself.
And if you want to join me in the “wake up culture”; let’s do this. The “wake-up culture” (I’ve coined here because spiritual culture is clouded with lies and misconceptions) is made up of people wondering what’s true and not true.
That’s it.
Everything else is your ego and Maya playing their games again.