On Dialogue
After last night’s dialogue, I needed to reflect on the angst that was raging inside me. Why did I feel so deflated and confronted with the thought that something seemed to have gone “wrong” in our dialogue? At first, my ego went to blame until I realized that where I needed to look was within myself.
See, this is what dialogue does. It is not so much the content but what one can gleam through seeing the reflection mirrored back on oneself through the dialogue process. All that happens in a dialogue teaches us about oneself and humanity if one is at all aware. In this awareness, one can’t help but see the psyche exposed. One will begin to notice not only the judgments, contradictions, beliefs, assumptions and desires, but also compassion, love, freedom, and understanding. Through this light of awareness is where the insights occur.
Here is where I came to see the problem. I feel that a huge part of the environmental issues are created by our cultural belief that humans are greater than all other species and that it is up to humans to govern and control nature. My understanding is that this belief has allowed humans to rationalize their destruction of nature and in the process, extinguish more than half of the species on our planet. Because of this understanding, I thought what a great dialogue topic it would be for us to question this “divisive” belief knowing full well how I already felt about the subject. I wanted to change people’s minds directly into my way of thinking. I was coming into the dialogue with a sense of righteousness. From this righteousness, I was already clouding the dialogue before it even began.
Unfortunately, I didn’t see this directly until I processed with April after the dialogue. Yet, instead of running away from the uncomfortable feelings and thoughts I was having, I knew I needed to confront them and understand their nature. After reflection, I came to see that this was not dialogue and it was wrong for me to do so. Dialogue is about sharing ideas and in the process if one is willing, reflect and shine light on one’s beliefs and assumptions. Dialogue isn’t forcing ideas down someone’s throat. It is not about arguing or being right. Dialogue is about letting go of control, listening and trying to understand. And in this sharing, people are brought together to see that we are really connected, not divided, if we can come with love and openness to each other. One of our regulars to dialogue said to me afterwards, “I felt like you were asking a pointed question. I knew by the way you asked the question that you were going to try and convince me of something….I thought the whole point is to simply try and understand people even if their viewpoints are different than my own. It doesn’t mean I need to agree with everything they say, but I can try and understand.” He pretty much hit the nail on the head.
Our leading question to begin our dialogues shouldn’t be led with a preconceived idea that’s already premeditated. It should be open ended and brought by any member of the group. April and I have come to see how dialogue is very challenging. A dialogue digs itself into your very consciousness, your very bones, quietly but none the less pervasively - without trying to. It challenges one to be patient, to listen, and understand someone even if their ideas diverge greatly from one’s own. A dialogue flows and goes where it needs to go. As Lao Tzu said, “Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don't resist them - that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.” This is dialogue.
One of the most difficult aspects of dialogue is to alleviate trying to change someone else. It is trusting that change happens to all participants by the very act of participating. This is why dialogue is so powerful and essential if we truly do want to come together and change society for the better. I think we know that if someone tries to force change on us, we become much more defensive. Yet, we also know that if someone is willing to listen and try and understand what we are saying, we will be much more willing to do the same to them, generally speaking.
Dialogue gives us the opportunity to see each other in a new and open light without having to feel that we need to change. The irony of this however, is that change is inevitable if we are open. This is the beauty of love. Love changes without trying. Love just creeps in and gently pulls one into new perspectives simply by the fact that one is open, listening and seeking to understand with compassion.
