My Take on Non-Attachment
“There is a subtle distinction between indifference and nonattachment, and it is crucial to understand this distinction if you are to have genuine happiness in your life.”— Phillip Moffitt
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A note to begin.
I'm sick of regurgitating knowledge onto you. I turn to you with assertion and absoluteness, "I know this. Listen to me. This is true. This is fact. I know something you don't."
Maybe. Maybe not.
On my good days I wonder with you, "Hey, what do you think of... I'm curious about... I've explored this topic a lot but I realize there's always more to know. What do you know?"
It seems dangerous to me to read something or hear something and take it as a truth. What's our beautiful world going to be like if we don't slow down and dialogue?
I have some thoughts on non-attachment and how this concept is related to why I shaved my head. They are just my thoughts and one perspective. Please read with caution, curiosity, wonder and no expectation to conclude.
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Simply dissected, I would say non-attachment is leaning in and detachment is leaning out.
Detachment
One definition of non-attachment that I found stated that it is the same as detachment. I want to give a hard “no” to that. I find they are weirdly opposites, yet also, the same. Paradox Alert! But definitely not completely the same. Merriam-Webster dictionary states, “detachment is the action or process of detaching : SEPARATION”. I like this definition better, and I’d like to add that it’s also a lack of having feelings or care about something or someone, as in, “I’m detached” or “I have no attachment”, as well as the process of getting to that point. For instance, “I’m slowly detaching from the idea of Cindy” or “I have no attachment to how you cut the paper”. I am separating myself, detaching, from care or an outcome.
Non-attachment is full presence with
Likewise, with non-attachment, I don’t have a care for the outcome either. When I can be fully present with something, not personalize it or let it have any control over me, I’m practicing non-attachment. “Well, that’s being detached” you say? Yes, I think there can be some overlap there, but with non-attachment, we’re not coming up with strategies or techniques to help us cope or separate from the thing, behavior, person, etc., we’re moving closer instead. We’re doing the oppositive of separating.
For example, you may have gotten over heartbreak and couldn’t care less about your ex. Great! You’re detached and they don’t affect you anymore. On the other hand, you may have gotten over heartbreak while still holding the beauty and love for your ex. You are so happy they exist, even if they exist separately from you. They bring you joy, although they left you. You let all the emotions run through you. You cried and cried until you landed on, “Oh, I’m okay. I have self love and can handle anything. I don’t need them to be fully alive. What a gift they gave me.” You fully accept them and where you are. This is non-attachment.
2. Non-attachment is deep knowing of compassion, joy and acceptance
To go a little further, the big difference is, and I want to emphasize BIG, is that non-attachment is a practice with the firm, grounded understanding that the more you let go of all attachments, everything I say!, the more compassion, peace, love, you name it, kindness, acceptance you’ll have. I’m not sure you need to understand this in thought. Just by practicing non-attachment you will embody these things. Just by leaning in and being patient with what you find.
It seems non-attachment is about truth. Seeing clearly. Being in relationship with ___________ and being okay with whatever happens. When we are in the flow with nature our positive and negative thoughts, behaviors and actions aren’t the subject to question. There is nothing to question. Things just are, and we know it. When we practice non-attachment, we are accepting what is and letting go of what we can’t change, then taking right action. I’m not talking about tolerating; I’m talking about complete acceptance.
Non-Attachment = Complete Acceptance
In complete acceptance lies joy, compassion and presence.
Here’s another example if you’d like. Eating. Food. I have a biological need to eat food. There are times when I fantasize about my next meal. I dream of the yummy dessert I get to eat and become upset if it’s all gone by the time I get to it. I have a strong attachment to eating food in that moment. There are other times I don’t want dessert. “Wow, I used to eat that all the time. I don’t even think about eating that anymore.” I’m not craving it, I don’t think about it and it’s not part of my life. I am strongly detached from dessert in that moment. There are other times I see dessert and I’m delighted it’s there. It looks scrumptious and I wonder what’s going on with it. “Who’s dessert is that? I wonder where it was made? Wow, they did a great job with the frosting.” I am interested, focused and aware that the dessert exists, but I have no care whether I get some or not. If I do get some, “Great! Delicious! Wonderful!”. If I don’t get some, “Great! It’s so beautiful! I’m so happy it exists and someone gets to enjoy it!”. In that moment I am non-attached.
3. Non-attachment lets go of addictions and conditioning
Many of us believe or interpret the Buddhist teaching as- life is suffering. But no, life isn’t suffering. It’s our attachments that cause suffering.
I teach this truth. “Let go of your attachments! It’s going to be better once you do!” I know this truth in my thoughts, but do I know it in my being? I’d like to say “Yes!” but with all the cultural pressures and my loud ego screaming at me all the time, that “Yes!” seems far-fetched in many situations. It’s quite possible I’m writing this post about non-attachment and shaving my head because so often I don’t let go of attachments; maybe I’m in shock?! Shaving my head is one small act of living the truth my thoughts already knew.
When contemplating whether to shave my head or not, a very big voice came in “No, no, you are still attached, and that’s okay April. You have nothing to prove and your attachment to your hair isn’t really hurting anyone so just give it time. You can come back to this idea when ready.” That voice was kind, but also part of my ego. The voice was telling me society likes me better with long hair. “I’m getting older, I should do everything I can to look younger. Why make myself look less attractive (to the cultural notion of the term)? Why do it?!”
I’ll tell you why dear Ego. If I can let go of my hair, what else can I let go of? The daily reminder that I can let go of my attachment to my hair is such a useful tool to get my Ego’s attention. “Hey Ego! Yeah you. How about you help me stay safe, and stay out of my other biz, okaaaay?!”
I don’t need you dear Ego to help with this decision. I can see for myself it’s just about being freer. I didn’t shave my head to feel a certain way. Loosening up on attachments doesn’t seem to have anything to do with feeling. Sure, I worked through some feelings. I felt scared and unsure, I cried, then the feelings left. I felt joy and confidence and as I kept deducing the thought, I seemed to only see that I didn’t need my hair anymore to be me. To be happy. To be anything! Attachments seem to have more to do with addiction and conditioning, and when I checked that conditioning, especially the irrational societal conditioning put on me, I could then loosen it.
I wish I could report that my ploy to trick Ego was working magically and I no longer am fearful of looking older or keeping up with the beauty of those around me. No. I still think about those things. But the cool thing is that when I do think about them, I can deduce again and tell Ego, “Hey, remember our buddy Truth? I’m going to pass one day like the flowers over there. Nothing is permanent. Trying to stay young or more beautiful than another is not only wasting my energy and bandwidth, it is contributing to the cultural paradigm of separatism. I don’t have to play that game. My goal doesn’t have to be to look or be more than anyone else. Just be. Here. Now.”
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That's what I think of non-attachment. What do you think? The Love University office is open every Wednesday 12-1pm to be quiet together or dialogue together. I would love to hear your thoughts on non-attachment. Stop in, stop me on the street or send me an email. Let's stop assuming we know, and start expanding into the unknow-n together!
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