Oh, Hello Again Almighty Ego
April Hayes, January 2nd, 2022
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Paradox disclaimer: Some of what I write may sound paradoxical and that’s because it is. Stick with me here, I think clarity will present itself.
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There’s nothing like finding random, almost-blog-posts from five years ago to get you thinking.
Oh yeah… I wrote that after I went on that trip. Nice.
Cool, I can’t believe I had that understanding back then.
Huh, did I even change at all?!
Interesting, I was really into myself back then.
I was really into myself back then AND have I really changed at all? Am I still that focused on finding me?
Well, to be sincere, probably. I discovered only one thing since then, and I’m still not sure I live it. I’ll get to that later.
Re-reading my old writing was a reminder that I was, and still am, focused largely on the “me” in my spiritual conceptions. Not always a bad thing, we learn from other people’s insights all the time. The problem becomes dangerous when:
1) we don’t realize there’s further to go, and
2) we think we’re special (I mean, you are, for sure! But you’re not, too ;)).
My previous efforts, and likely many current efforts, surrounded what I call: The Almighty Ego… Muahahahaha!!
Before we get into the almighty ego, I want to point out that our good friend Ego is not always a bad guy. We need our egos to keep us alive. For example:
I need to feed myself.
I need to find companionship.
I need to go to the bathroom.
Without our egos we wouldn’t be able to navigate this wonderful world and communicate about our feelings or desires. Our egos help us in a lot of ways, and they overtake us in a lot of negative ways. Here I’m attempting to define a part of our ego that can be useful and supportive, but also dangerous and a little sneaky. Muahahahaha!!
The almighty ego is the part of us that believes we arrived, or will arrive, somewhere. It believes our center of the universe might be better, or worse, than your center of the universe. It occupies itself with becoming. Becoming better. More successful. It achieves things.
Take a look at Oprah. She’s usually seen as a positive example of a successful, kind human. She’s used her almighty ego to promote herself and support meaningful causes. Some would even say she’s self-actualized. Then there’s people like Bikram Choudhury or Joe Exotic who use their almighty egos to fool millions of people into believing they deserve things they don’t (like sexually assaulting women or stealing others’ work). Spiritual jargon, a following, and a lot of articulate words fool us over and over again.
The Almighty Ego convinces us that people like Oprah, Bikram Choudhury or Joe Exotic have something we don’t. We are often convinced that acts such as walking on hot coals, donating to impoverished children, being kind or even saving lives, are acts of true wisdom. Although Oprah has used her almighty ego in vastly different and seemingly helpful ways than Bikram and Joe, all of their acts come from a worldly place. A place of separateness. A place developed by our culture and promoted by our culture. When we see beyond our culture’s expectations of us, and truly listen, we see we are all whole, interdependent and connected.
The almighty ego pulls us back to our culture’s dream state, instead of guiding us to see beyond it.
It fools us constantly when it comes to living in Wholeness, God, enlightenment, Buddha Nature, peace.
The Point
The point is we are not separate.
The point is we are not separate and there is nowhere to go.
The point is we are not separate and there is no one to be.
There is no becoming to obsess over or stress over or get angry over.
There is nothing to get done.
There is no desired outcome to obtain.
You are It. God, Buddha Nature. But you can only be It if you stop thinking you’re It.
So what have I learned about my almighty ego since my old, almost-blog-post?
I learned that the only thing that matters is that we feel our connection to all. All life, all species, all things, all-ness. We’re never done and we’re never there. And that we’re already done and we’re already there. I see more clearly how my thoughts can blind me and make me think I know something. For instance, this post! Just because I can write it doesn’t mean I can live it. Living it is what matters. But does my almighty ego blind me all the time? Yup, probably more than she’ll let me know for now. But at least now I can look her straight in the face and say “Hey you, did you forget? You’re a droplet in this beautiful ocean. Stop thinking so hard about yourself, better yet, stop thinking all together! Go be present.”
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If you have a minute, read my five-year-old-almost-blogpost. There’s some good advice in there! Sure, it might be centered on making oneself a better person and all the fun ego-filled How to Self-Actualize Stuff, but if you remind your almighty ego that this is just a piece of the journey puzzle, we’ll all be alright (thumbs up).
Love Thy Self
Okay, easy enough to be like, "yeah man, love is cool, I love everyone" because yes, you probably love everyone when
you actually love the person you're talking to,
you are high,
you are having sex,
other drugs
Okay, kind of joking...but only kind of. I think we've become so good at faking love because we are really good at being social-appropriate robots, that we have a whole layer of resentment, insecurity and fear hidden under there that keeps us from truly loving others... especially those closest to us.
The Answer: We have to focus on OURSELVES. Stop caring if your partner wants you to do this or that, act this way or that way. Stop "showing you care" by trying to please. Care about what you want and what makes you a better person. Then you can please and love others. You have to start with your biggest enemy- YOU. Love YOU.
I think loving oneself seems hard because it can sound unfair. We are so used to "giving" to others, showing love in insufficient and socially appropriate ways we forget it's not true love.
Become selfish.
But how do we accomplish selflessness, achieve it and live by it every day? Well, some would say Bikram yoga. Some would say talk therapy. Others may say more sex (Kim Amani, heard of her?). Here are some things I tried during my search for no migraines, then balance, then focus, then...now....now...Vipassana meditation, yoga variations, master's in psychology, yoga sutras, music, exercise, breath therapy, talk therapy, worship, the Bible, devotion, Kama sutra, Buddhism, walking, Science...But the best one that I'm trying to sell you on is…
don, don, dooooooonnnn..................
ALL AND NONE.
DEPENDING ON WHO YOU ARE.
I tried so many ways to feed my being, to work on myself and my perceptions, and it finally became clear to me: they can build on one another if I allow them to. If I combine what I learned from one practice and combine it with another that perhaps suits me currently, I may follow through with this whole "achieving myself" (Jimmy Baldwin's term) thing. I'm not saying you'll become enlightened faster by mixing and matching, then say, if you meditated all day every day. Hey, sticking to one strategy is a stellar idea. The problem is most of us can't do it. We travel, we move, we have to make our kids Halloween costume- it's just hard. It wasn't until I was mixing and matching healthy practices that I felt, shall I say it...God…?? No, no. I won't say it. But I did feel less anxious, more balanced and objective about the world around me. I felt inspired by who I was and what I could accomplish. I realized I could turn into my best self-little by little every day. The self that wants to help others. Be genuine. Be kind. Caring. Laugh more. Look your kid in the eyes more. What else, really, do we need to do?
RECAP
There are hundreds of ways to feed your being. It's so fun!
What?
It's all about power. Power within ourselves that lets us influence and change ourselves, and the world, for the better.
a. We can build confidence, compassion, love, wisdom, equanimity, success, purpose, focus, lightheartedness, peacefulness, and really, the main point is..........................
YOU! WHO ARE YOU AFTER WE STRIP YOUR LAYERS? AND WHAT CAN THAT YOU DO?
How?
Be selfish = more compassion for others
We can gain this power in so many different ways! It's so exciting. Different ways every day. Reading on the toilet. Going on a hike. Eating in silence. If we go a little deeper within ourselves everyday what would happen? It's challenging but worth it.
Process as a team. I struggle with building habits even when I know they are important. We all have this problem, eh? I want to process together. Fill each other in on what works and what doesn't. What made me more at peace today and what didn't?
That's it. I'm done writing.
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